#82 - Good Bye

It feels really weird that the planets have realigned themselves.
All for the best, I know.

Transplants, although a different breed, are still humans.
It is human nature to latch onto the familiar...to latch onto the old ways...to continue to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
...even at the expense of what were once real bonds of friendship...real bonds of commonalities and forward thinking goals...real and unique friendships.

Mean, cruel and sophomoric actions make this place even sadder than what it is. Why go there? It only adds to the oppressive exclusivity that alienates us all. And I think this brand takes it to a deeper level. Don't we want to be better than that?

Good bye for now. Just letting it go.
There's no time or energy for meanness and juvenile behavior.

Get secure with yourselves. Move forward.
The law of attraction exists whether or not you choose to believe it.
New paths are ahead. Will yours be happy and positive? Will your path move you in the direction of your deepest desires? Are you going where you really want to go? Probably.

There are no judgments here.
These are observations and intuitions.

Still transplants.
Still moving forward.
A new year is just around the corner.

Good bye for now.
See you around.

An event that continues to make me smile

"Sean, can you stop banging pots?  They can't hear the ceremony."

Sean flustered and annoyed, "THIS, is why they came!"

No, Sean I'm pretty sure they came to get married or watch a wedding ceremony.

FREE the bread knife!

Rey's breade knife has been confiscated by socialist regime of the Verdi Club.  Please join me in my Cause to "FREE the bread knife!"

This is America where you can store you bread knives where you please!!!!!!!

#81 Why the Lull?

Why have I been silent over the past few weeks?

I honestly don't know why.

My life feels like such a blur.

I've been numb.

On auto pilot.

Actually, a lot has been going on.

Went to the doctor.

He told me something that kicked me in the gut.

Feel like I have a huge boulder to push up hill.

Can't feel discouraged.

Gotta focus on the dream.

That big boulder will be just a pebble by the time I get to the top.

Gotta focus on the dream.

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

Gotta focus on the dream.

Yeah...I've been numb.

Yeah...I've been in denial.

Gotta get it done.

#80 - I Am So Done!

I just wanted to scream today.

Why can't everyday work situations be at least pleasant?
What is it with negative energy and the need to put others down?
Why can't people capitalize on and cultivate the positive?
How have I managed to endure so much from these small minded, narcissistic and manipulatively evil and back stabbing forces?

And what is it with family members who will comply with requests only if these requests are convenient to their lives?

How the hell did I get onto these frequencies?!

I need to get out of here!

******************************************************************************
I texted my college roommate this evening. "When are we moving to Kailua????????"
She immediately texted me back. "How about next Tuesday? I have no appointments on that day."


I need to move on.....

Who Am I?

What frequency am I vibrating on today?
What is my purpose?
Why I am here?
Where am I going?

Do you these questions boggle your mind too?

#79 - Ewan and Pat

It was great hanging with Ewan and Pat this weekend!

They have been moving forward with their plans and their dreams.  I was mesmerized by Ewan's description of his dream house in New Zealand. And both of their houses up at the River are perfect!! Pat has front row balcony seats to cool outdoor concerts and Ewan's place is sooo peaceful and tranquil.

These two friends are into motorcycles! How hot is that?  Ewan is looking into getting a Harley soon. I asked if I could ride my Night Hawk with them.  Ewan said that I could ride ... in the back of the pack.  Pat told me to get a Harley Sportster.

These two pals are great support for each other!  It was fun seeing them again!

#78 - Went To India Last Night

A week ago, Nina and I went to a vibration activation workshop. What the heck is that?!
 
In essence, your feelings determine the events in your life. When you feel happy and genuine love, then happy and fulfilling events will manifest themselves. Everything happens in relation to the feeling/frequency/vibration you are on. When you release your negative feelings, so many new doors and windows start opening up. You activate your own frequencies - happy, sad, angry, etc.

This past week was a trip! I was assigned to spearhead a Fun and Goodwill Team at work.  Fun and clever ideas kept pouring in from the employees and people were showing up at and signing up for community building events! It was pretty cool to witness. I was clearly sending out happy and positive vibes.

Yeah. And then some friends took me on a trip last night.   I visited India. Quite interesting....very unexpected.  It was a short and abbreviated visit. Can't say that I enjoyed the destination. Totally took me by surprise! Meant to be observed and experienced from a distance ...at least 100 feet! I wonder what frequency I was on??!!!

Nina went to Peru a few Sundays ago. Weird trip. Kinda boring. What vibration was that?

I am still so stoked about this journey.
Transplants possess the frequency of excitement.  
There is always a desire to keep moving forward.

I wonder where I will be visiting next....
Gotta keep activating those vibrations! Woot woot!

Hey! What are YOU vibrating?

I'm coming to believe that the true purpose of life is to bring beauty to this earth.  There are so many ways to do this and we can all find a way.  My friend is building a garden with his daughters.  At the end of the day I'm sure those girls will say that the time spent was beautiful.

Where are you spreading beauty?

#77 - I Got It! I Hear You!

History repeats itself because no one was listening the first time.
(What is continuing to happen in your life that you just can't shake off?)

The dogs may change but the fleas are still there.
(The job, relationship or situation may change, but the same issues are still present.)

I got it!
I was listening to a recent sermon by Joel Osteen and the message hit home for me.
I got why the same problems were creeping up everywhere I went.
I got that I needed to stop the insanity.
Now!

Breathe. Relax.
I am readjusting.
My thoughts, my energy and my resources are being channelled differently.

Breathe. Relax. Don't be so angry, defensive, impulsive or rebellious.
Breathe. Relax. Don't argue. Just do it. Follow the rules!
Breathe. Relax. Life is good. Life is easy. All good things come to me.
Breathe. Relax. Speak, feel and think from pure love and happiness.

Express gratitude. Always.
Gratitude begets happiness.
Happiness begets peace.

Breathe. Relax. Everything's all good.
Keep moving forward.
Adjust when necessary.
Breathe. Relax. It takes practice.
Keep moving forward.

You got this.

#76 - Waiting for the Endless Series of Lights to Change . . . and the Streetcar to Pass.

We are going through some major reorganizing (solely based on politics) at work to the extent that I don't know if San Francisco will continue to have an office. When I'm busy I don't speculate.  It is only while I'm waiting that I start to dwell ...

While waiting at the stoplight on the intersection of  Sloat,  Junipero Serra, West Portal, St Francis Wood (and probably 5 other streets I can't decipher from the mayhem) I realized that my situation is a metaphor for life.

Most intersections, like life's setbacks, are small.  Take Taravel & Sunset, I know the other person also has to move so I'm willing put my life on hold as I watch the other driver speed on to his destination.  I see the light at the end of the pole, and soon I'm moving on to my destination.

An intersection with multitudinous streets is different.  I wait for one light patiently.  Then I realize (and I re-notice every time) they threw in a left-turn light and those people are now moving.  Two rounds later I realize that ALL of these people around me are going to move on with their lives while I have to just sit and watch, waiting, thinking;

"Did I miss my light?"
 "I took the wrong road!"
"Why do they get to go forward before me?"
"Whoever engineered this intersection is out to smash my dreams!"  (Oops, I meant make me late)   "Who does that yellow light gunner think he is bending the rules while I have to sit here and obey?!!"
"Why didn't I "gun it" when I had the chance?"

It sucks to be stuck!

Yet, if I simply reach out, I have options.  I can crank up some tunes and relax, improve my knowledge by turning to NPR, or I can spin the dial and discover something new I never had time to listen to before.   The selection may not be great, but I've already eaten the entire bag of chips sitting at the top of the grocery bag in the back seat.  I going to wait regardless, so I might as well do something with my time.

Nurturing  loved-ones goals; balancing family with work; and "doing the right thing" anywhere can make one feel like the lights are turning green for everyone else but you.   

In my real life, the light isn't changing for a long time .  . . it is time to reach for the dial.  

#75 - Let's Face It! It's All Weird! It's All Love!

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss

Thank you, Dr. Seuss!  This explains it all!

For years, I could never understand why I just could not stick or fully connect to bland and plain old mainstream ideals and values. I am different! You are different! We accept that our differences may sometimes be construed as weird or strange. But are they really?

That's why I love you...weirdo!

#74 - When You Put It Out There....

...it is out there.

When you speak and think good and positive thoughts, and when you do good and positive deeds, that energy comes back to you.

Yet to move forward, one can not believe that karma and spiritual contracts are absolutes.

The only absolute here is to keep thinking, feeling, speaking, and doing good.

#73 - Where Do You Want To Die?

I would like to die in my bed ... and in my sleep....in my little cottage ... on the beach in Hawaii.

How morbid, you say.
It may be ... but it is only because if I see the end, then I can better focus on the journey.

Gotta get the vision board going!

My subsequent thoughts would be: What would people say about me at my funeral? What would I want them to say? How do I want to be remembered?

Have you thought about these things?

Yes...I AM moving forward....always.

#72 - I Wanna Go Back

"I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii."

My heart belongs to Hawaii. There is an incredible abundance of aloha that I am missing.  This love is like no other. It is unconditional. It is deep.  It is strong. It fills my soul when I am there.

I see myself living on the beach...or very near the beach in either Kailua or Kaneohe on the island of Oahu. It is a cottage-like setting and a warm and safe environment.  I will make new friends in this part of the island that is virtually unfamiliar to me.  It is far enough away from my own family of origin and extended family members for me to be autonomous and independent....yet close enough to share and feel the love. I will spend my days hanging out...reading...writing...walking on the beach...strolling and discovering the little shops and restaurants in my immediate and surrounding communities. Maybe take a dance class...

Most importantly, I will reconnect with my old friends and with my very loving family...experience the aloha....grow old together.

That is my goal. Somehow I will make this happen.

#71 - Definition of "Family" and Familial Obligations

What does "family" mean to you?

My meaning of family comes from my own family of origin. Our family of six was and still is very very close. We all know that we've got each other's backs ... no matter what.  And this philosophy applies to the extended family as well - grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins. 
The community I grew up in is also considered "family". We call the elder men "Uncle" and the elder women "Auntie".  Hawaii is made up of lots of uncles and aunties.
When it comes to familial obligations, there is just a sense that you jump in to help ...whenever you see someone in need of assistance. This  can be as small as assisting with carrying in the groceries or moving things out of the way if one's path is obstructed or cleaning up together after a gathering or even just opening and holding a door open for someone. This is called "kokua" or everyone helps out for the greater good.
It is challenging to teach my daughter this concept in a world...in a society... where everyone is just looking out for him or herself. My only saving grace is that we have been given many opportunities for her to be around her Hawaii family members. She is such a different person with them.  She is loving, caring...and HELPFUL!!!

I am looking forward to my upcoming visit to Hawaii in a few days. I miss my family.  I miss the unspoken understanding that you are loved no matter what....that you are welcomed home like the prodigal son.

Now how does this experience compare to my nuclear family here in San Francisco? Let me just say...it is very different.  It works....

Families are what they are.  They develop your values, your concept of the world, and your character. What is your family unit like?  What does "family" mean to you?

#70 - Floating Lanterns

Last week I got a call from one of my aunts in Hawaii.  She said that if I could that I should watch the Floating Lanterns Hawaii ceremony this evening - Memorial Day. It was going to be streamed and that I could watch it on my computer here in San Francisco. She said that she thought of me because of my recent loss of my friend Gary....but really...I was more concerned about her.  She lost her daughter to suicide and her mother was dying of cancer.

Each Memorial Day at sunset, at Magic Island - Ala Moana Beach Park, more than 40,000 Honolulu residents and visitors gather along the shore to remember loved ones who have passed away. It is Honolulu's version of Toro Nagashi, a Japanese tradition, translating literally as "lantern offerings on water". At twilight, more than 2,000 candlelit paper lanterns are released and set adrift into the calm waters of the sheltered beach. Each floating lantern carries the name of loved ones, with messages of comfort for their spiritual journey. It is one of Hawaii's most visually and spiritually breathtaking events.

The Toro Nagashi ceremony was founded by the Shinnyo-en Buddhist order in 1952. In Japan, it is traditionally held in July and August, coinciding with the end of Obon festival season. Hawaii’s Shinnyo-en order has always held the ceremony on Memorial Day—to honor lives lost in war.

At 9:15 pm this evening PST, I logged on and was blown away.  I did not expect to see an amazingly beautiful blend of cultures participating in this ceremony.  The Brothers Cazimero and the haunting chants of the kumus made my skin crawl.  The Hawaiians were blessing the ocean and the air and the land with their chants and hulas.  The sounds of the taiko drums and the flutes transported me to a peaceful place in my heart. The rituals performed by the pastors and ministers as well as many other church communities were so beautiful.  The lighting of the harmony light was so deep...so powerful...as they prayed for unity among all.

And then the thousands of lanterns were released by the local people - all shapes, colors and sizes.  It was just so beautiful and powerful to see. Everyone honoring the memories of their loved ones...all participating in one culture's tradition...a beautiful harmony....the same message...the same tune....many rivers, one ocean.

#69 - It Helps To Get Away

Just got back from Hawaii last night.

I spent most of my short time there with members of my large extended family doing what we do best - working together to get ready for a party.  I actually helped my brother and cousin slice the fish and the onions for the poke. And we got to taste test along the way!!  Fresh sashimi and beer!  Yummmmm!

When that was done, I went with my sister-in-law to the banquet facililty and helped her, several aunts and uncles as well as cousins with the room set up and the decorations. Covered the tables with table cloths; placed the party favors at each seat; position the many centerpieces and balloon arrangements; scattered  candy confetti; set up the bar, etc....

I realized that it was as if I never left Hawaii. The relationships were the same - everyone was just as wonderful, loving and accepting as when I was growing up.  It just made me appreciate my strong work and family values even more. Things were just understood.  We are there for each other no matter what.

It has helped me to realize that I need to get back there more often.  I think I may have to move back to this warmer climate and to this simpler lifestyle. There is so much power in living in a family of true acceptance and true love. There is so much warmth in this community My purpose and my meaning of existence became clearer. I need to give back to these wonderful people. One question remains...how do I make this happen?

#68 - Enough

How do you know when you've had enough?

I am in a situation in which I am not happy or fulfilled. I lack the ambition and the drive to move into a new direction. The thoughts continue to swirl around in my head....leave...change...find the passion deep down inside...make a move...focus...do something. Yet...all I do is stay in my head.  I am comfortable being uncomfortable.

When will I have had enough of this and make a move to change?

What happened to the amibitious and the very active person I once was? It feels as if my life exists only in my head and that I am not at all connected to what my body is doing.  What happened? I see the world passing by and it makes me want to cry.  I feel stuck, unmotivated, and so tired.

Maybe things will change when my daughter goes away to college. Maybe that's when I will get my life back.

Maybe I could start working on a plan.

#67- Visualization, Visualization, Visualization

"I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That's the thing. You can't just visualize and go eat a sandwich."
— Jim Carrey (a Canadian-American actor)

Thank you, Bonnie, for submitting this. I tend to eat sandwiches a lot.

I definitely need to get back into visualizing.  They say that if you do this for 10 minutes a day - less amount of time than you spend in the shower - every day, your dreams and goals will materialize faster.

I think I'll lose some weight when I do.

How are you all doing with visualizing your goals?

"66 - Are My Neighbors Transplants Too?

Are they?

I know that my neighbors to the left of me are from Hong Kong AND they are parishoners at our church.
I wonder about the others on my street.

Hmmm....

#65 - Who's Your Neighbor?

"Ding Dong"
"Ding Dong"

I was in the bathroom when the doorbell rang. Doesn't it always happen that way?

"Ding Dong"
"Ding Dong"

Where the heck is Rich?  He always answers the door!  Where's Priscille?

"Ding Dong"
"Ding Dong"

I put on some clothes and quickly dash to the door!

"Who is it?" I ask.
"It's your neighbor.  Your car lights are on."

I open the door and there is this young nice looking Asian guy.

"I was just driving by.  I live down the street and saw your headlights on."

Oh my gosh...how nice is that?  Embarassingly, I have to admit that this is not the first time this has happened.  Since we moved here a year and a half ago, three neighbors have rung our door bell to tell me that I left my car lights on. All Asian. All men. Ha ha ha! One neighbor reminded me that it was street cleaning day and that I had better move my car.

What is the Universe saying? That there are nice people in my immediate neighborhood? That there are kind strangers who care? That I have guardian angels? That my neighbors are Asian as well as Caucasian and who knows what else?

There are so many messages coming to me on different levels.  I can't seem to hear them clearly yet. I kinda feel like we should have a block party so that we can all meet each other.  I know 3 nice men for sure....Bob, Steve and that older Asian guy with the golden retriever who always smiles at me now since telling me that my lights were on 2 weeks ago.  I know Theresa.  She's that lovely lady from Ireland who walks every morning. Oh! And there's that guy who came to our garage sale with his 2 darling kids....can't recall his name right now. Maria and Bob next door are so kind and friendly.  They let us borrow their entire collection of books on Europe and their post card collection of the European cities they've visited.  They are darling!

I think I am falling in love with this neighborhood!
I have been feeling more and more enamored with each incident of altruism....with each kind gesture...with each morning hello.
It is centrally located too! The mall is down the street; the grocery store is 3 blocks or so away; Priscille's school is 5 minutes away; the lake is 4 steps from our door; the bus stop is 2 steps down the path in front of the house....

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood ....Will you be mine? Will you be mine?" - Mister Rogers

#64 - Balance: Learning From Mistakes

There's a fine line between personal and professional. 
There's a fine line between too little and too much.

Can you walk it?
What happens if you teeter more on one side than the other?
Answer: Teeter back to regain your balance. Not only is it a fine line but it is also a high wire tight rope walk.

Staying in balance is the key to anything.
One must keep learning from one's mistakes and/or from one's overcompensations.  

Where are your boundaries? Are you in balance?

#63 - Things To Ponder: This and That

"If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse."
www.livelifehappy.com

"Never plan a future with someone who has no future plans for themselves."
www.livelifehappy.com

"Never chase anyone. A person who appreciates you will always walk with you."
www.livelifehappy.com

"The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest."
- anonymous

"I'm a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you again."
- anonymous

"I'll never be perfect but I'll always be unique."
www.zingerbug.com

"Everything is funnier when you're not allowed to laugh." 
- anonymous

"Home Alone!
Expectation: Party! Party!
Reality: Peeing with the door open."
www.mystupidityaffectseverything.tumblr.com

#62 - Happiness

I found this site and wanted to share it with you:

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/30/20-inspirational-quotes-on-happiness/

I just love the name itself: the positivity blog!

Happiness and positivity...speak it and you will attract it. Don't doubt it;  just believe and reinforce it with good thoughts.

Life is good!
Life is easy!
All good things come to me!

I like this quote:

"Happiness is something that comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open."

Rose Lane

Happy Friday!

Tough Times

If you read the headlines on SFGate you will know my drama.  One person in the organization I work for (whom I've had issues with for a long time) has managed to get two top DC Officials fired, Administrator for the Agency's resignation and 4 regional commissioners (including himself) on Administrative Leave, i.e., it is a matter of time till they are gone too.

One person's actions have hurt many, impacted the election campaign and tainted a government agency that actually does something.  Oh yea, he's made my life miserable for the past 4 years because I wouldn't play along with his games.

I should feel satisfied that he got what was coming to him. However, I'm sad and disappointed that more people didn't stand up to his antics in the past years.  What's really sad is that this is not an isolated situation.

We let good people suffer because we are afraid to stand up to wrong doing.   So many of us who get what we need out of situations then stand back and let one person wreak havoc on others lives.

The Agency Administrator is a great manager who knew nothing of my bosses antics.  Moreover, what is in the paper is the tip of the iceberg.  He's hurt many people through the years because of his ego and paranoia.

This isn't the first time I've sat back and let one person ruin others lives.  Sadly, in both situations the person hurt most was my son.  

As for me I'm not going to be silent anymore.  When that "one" person shows up in my life again, I'll be the one person who stands up for what is right.

One the day of judgement I don't think God cares about the school, job, car, etc that causes us to shut our  mouths and look the other way.  Moreover, I don't want to be accountable for the people I left in dust. 

#61 - Marriage and Anniversaries

Today is my/our wedding anniversary. We just got home from a very lovely dinner at The Cliff House. Fantastic view... creatively presented dishes... delicious food...great service  (I'm a yelper.  Can you tell?)  It was Priscille's idea to go there. We three had a very nice celebration together.

Rich and I have been married for 17 years and, let me tell you, we've been through a lot. 

What does an anniversary mean?  Especially a wedding anniversary.......hmmmm....

You are with one person for a period of time and you have made a commitment to work things through...no matter what.  I think of my parents.  They are still together after 50+ years.  My dad takes such good care of my mom.  My mom puts my dad first when it comes to....just about everything.  Interesting, huh? That's soooo not me BUT I did learn the concept of commitment from them.

What works for us?
Rich lets me be me. 
I let Rich be his own person.
We both agree that we have to live near the water.
We both love to travel.  We enjoy long road trips. Love exploring!
We both are not into really really hot and humid climates.  The 60's and 70's are perfect!
We both are not lime light people.
We focus on the development of Priscille as a healthy human being.
We agree to disagree on many things.
He likes rock and roll and The Grateful Dead.
I am into R & B and pop...and contemporary Hawaiian and ethnic music.
I sing and dance.
He hangs out at the bar.
He is an early bird.
I am a night owl.
We have a huge bed.

And there you go....ha ha!

Did you catch our wedding date?

*********

What about you? How many years do you have under your belts? What does your wedding anniversary mean to you?  What works?

#60 - Something New

I signed up with a publishing company through Amazon.

I have been working on Gary's story.  I've rewritten a few things. I've corrected a few things.  I've added pictures.  I am still editing my piece. Will be working with a publishing consultant.

*******

I have also started writing my grandmother's story.  This one is starting to grow on so many different levels.  My siblings and cousins have gotten involved in the content.  This is quite a project.

*******

My mother has her own story to tell. She is waiting for me to go home at which time I will be doing a recording ... an oral history. My mother has a lot to say.  I can tell.  She has been wanting to write her story for a long time.  Unfortunately her life has been plagued with many illnesses which have held her back from really living a fulfilled life. That experience will be interesting.

*******

I am also contemplating a fun business venture.  Gotta think more on it. Gotta pull in some key players...players with the same passion. I want to be the first to do this in San Francisco.

*******

#59 - Sometimes I Just Want To Cry

Do you ever get those days when no matter how much your head is telling you to be positive and that life is great, somewhere deep down inside you just want to cry? ... because you are just so so sad?

I felt like that way this morning and I don't know why. 

I thought that taking a shower would help. Nope.
I downloaded upbeat music on my iPhone last night and played it. Nope.
I ate a yummy sandwich with yummy chips. Nope.
I wrote a letter to someone to get some things off my chest. Nope.
I added more to my list of "I am thankful for..because..." Nope.

Sigh...still sad.

Maybe it's because I really do have things to be sad about...real deep personal stuff.

So sad.

#58 - Check Ins

Hello, Team!

How is everyone doing?

I sense that our lives are full.
I sense that there are chapters that are coming to a close....and new chapters unfolding.
There are obligations to fulfill.

I sense frustration ... and anger.
I feel sadness ... and loneliness too.
Fatigue?
Annoyance?
Are we feeling as if our hands are tied?
Are we needing to better secure our private and personal spaces?
There is a determination to keep moving forward...to keep doing what needs to be done...the need to concentrate on the road ahead.

Sending us all some positive energy and gratitude.
Hope we can stop, acknowledge and appreciate those moments of pure joy as they present themselves.

Waving a magic wand!

Hugs,
R

p.s. I think a massage is calling me!

#58 - New Season

It's Spring 2012!

Bright
Renew
Fresh
Sunny
Light
Clean
Clear
New Season
New Picture
Out with the old
In with the fresh and new

It's a new start!

#57 - Shifting

According to http://www.thefreedictionary.com, shift is defined as

"1. To exchange (one thing) for another of the same class;

 2. To move or transfer from one place or position to another;

 3. To alter (position or place);

 4. To change (gears), as in an automobile;

 5. To alter phonetically as part of a systematic historical change."

Our summer vacation plans are shifting.  I will need to use my financial and time resources to fly back and forth to Hawaii within the next few months and for the rest of the year.  This shift is primarily due to my need to be with my grandmother ... and with my family as we say good bye to Nanny. So...there goes Europe.  We will visit that other continent next year.

The energy at work has shifted.  Many many people - staff, faculty and students - are reacting strongly to the recent layoffs.  They are being vocal on so many fronts.  It is very interesting to watch. Excitedly and ironically I am on a committee whose goal is to build and create a vibrant community. We had been meeting for several weeks prior to the layoffs. This recent incident has propelled us to focus on taking more immediate steps with our plan implementation.  Great ideas!  Great committee!  Great team!

My perspective on my world is shifting.  Gratitude is coming to the forefront of my being.  I used to think that I was a grateful person.  I was. I am. The Magic is taking me even deeper.  I love it!!

Example: This morning Rich and I started in on a heated discussion which was going nowhere. Suddenly it dawned on me to switch my approach.  I grabbed my journal and quickly recited out loud my #1 item on my "I Am Grateful For....Because...." list. 

"I am grateful for Rich because he has accepted me for who I am ... no matter what...through thick and thin...for better or for worse."

The discussion was over.
Rich was smiling and I was laughing.

#56 - Losses At Work

This has been an interesting week.

Many of my coworkers were laid off or had their hours reduced.

My heart went out to the ones with families; the single moms; the sole bread winners.  These were my friends...we've been through stuff together.  It was really sad.

The Universe is shaking things up.

#55 - More Stirrings in the Universe

Priscille had an assignment in her World History class to prepare a special dish from her culture.  She chose the Hawaiian/Chinese dish - chicken long rice - which is traditionally served at luaus.  It is comfort food for the locals.

Chicken long rice is a dish with bean thread noodles, chicken, onions - round and green, shiitake mushrooms, ginger, chicken broth, and salt and pepper.  It can be soupy or not.

Last night she and I made some chicken long rice. I told her that this was Nanny's recipe.  Nanny is my 94 year old grandmother.

Today I got a call from my mother.  She never calls me at work.

"Nanny was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer yesterday.  They are not doing surgery.  She has six months to live."

What is the Universe saying?

#54 - A Coincidence?

My old college roommate and former partner-in-crime Robin called on Sunday.  I hadn't spoken to her in over a year.

She talked about her mother's recent passing and shared stories of family members having dreams of her mom after she died.

I told her about Gary.

She said "I don't know if this is a coincidence but I was calling you for your address.  I found some pictures of you and Gary and I thought you might want them."

Nothing's a coincidence.

#53 - The Journey Back To The Ocean (4 of 4)

I called his brother that night.

Richard listened thoughtfully as I shared my Lighthouse experience.  He was relieved that many of the gaps were being filled in and said that the missing pieces were helping him tremendously.

"So.... " he asked, "Do you think he jumped in ... or do you think he fell in?"

"Hmmmmm......"  I thought.

"It was clear from the pictures and from the investigation," I said, "that Gary was determined to get close to the water.  It was clear that he was very very close to the edge.  Whether he fell in or jumped in, no one will ever know.  But the scuff marks did end at the edge of the cliff."

Richard proceeded to share what he remembered about those several days in July 2009.  He said that after Gary went missing, their half sister Carol flew to San Francisco from Washington DC to take care of Gary's belongings.  He said that she had arranged a little get together of Gary's AA friends and allowed them to take something from his possessions to remember him by.  I remember feeling hurt as he was sharing this because I hadn't been called. He reminded me though that there was no address book so they didn't have a number.  (On a side note - at this moment, my cell phone buzzed,  indicating that I had just received a text message.  But since I was in the middle of something important, I ignored it. )

I told Richard that I was going to spend the weekend looking for the most appropriate spot to throw the haku lei into the water and to give myself the space for closure.  He suggested Ocean Beach, the Cliff House - since Gary used to enjoy visiting the sea lions, and Stinson Beach. We said our goodnights and I hung up the phone.

On my way into the bedroom, I picked up my cell phone to look at who had texted me.  It was from an unfamiliar 415 number...one that I did not recognize. I clicked on to the number to reveal the message ... and this is what I saw:

"Here's the new # since u acting all left out...lol"
I gasped! I couldn't breathe.  Gary? No. My heart started to pound!

With my hands shaking, I texted back, "???"

Immediately I got a reply, "What up mean ??? U got the number now...I hope you don't think this  some random bitch...lol"

I was shaking harder and my heart was pounding faster!  I didn't know what to think!  This was too weird. This can't be Gary ... yet ..... I couldn't explain what was happening.  I was too scared to even think about calling that number! 

I texted back, "Still ...???"

Minutes passed. Nothing. And then I got, "Oops...wrong number...my bad."

The shaking and heart palpitations continued for awhile! I was spooked...big time!

Was this just another coincidence???  You tell me.
If you had read The Celestine Prophecy, you would know that nothing is a coincidence.


********
Do I think he jumped in or do I think he fell in?
In my heart of hearts, I believe that this was an accident. After hearing the details from the park ranger, understanding how the events of that day unfolded, looking at the pictures of the path he took, knowing Gary's personality and habits, understanding his propensity to search out quiet spots near the ocean to contemplate life, knowing how the strong Point Reyes winds can shift quickly and lift anyone up, knowing that his footing may have been a little unstable especially if he had started drinking again, knowing that his car and apartment were left in such a state that indicated that he was expecting to come home......all point, in my mind and in my heart, to the very very strong possibility that he fell in accidentally.

His brother feels the same way.


********
I was able to say goodbye to Gary over the weekend.

Rich and I drove to the Cliff House and parked on the landing above the old Sutro Baths. We hiked down and then up to the hill and cliffs located to the right of the Baths and Gary's endearing Seal Rock.  We found a small opening - almost like a cove - where we tossed the beautiful haku lei over the cliff and into the water.  This spot had a spectacular view of the places that Gary and I used to visit often when we first moved to San Francisco - The Cliff House, Sutro Baths, Ocean Beach, the Marin Headlands, the Golden Gate Bridge.......and the ever powerful and magnificent Pacific Ocean...the ocean that always brought peace and tranquility to our souls....the ocean that always remained our one true connection to the aina (land) that we so loved and missed.
It was perfect!

********
Thank you for blessing my life, Gary, with your genuine and unconditional love and friendship.  No one has ever ...ever... made me laugh as much, as often, and as hard as you did!!

I miss your smiling eyes and your hugs that were filled with real aloha!

Remember the flapping fish in the bathtub? Wapa! Wapa! Wapa! That will forever be our secret.
Remember busting me out with my secret stash of Chips Ahoy cookies? What were you doing in my closet anyway?
Remember how we used to bebop in the pew at church? Do you think they'll let us into heaven after that? By the way, how IS heaven?


Me ke aloha pumehana, dear friend.
Aloha 'oe. A hui hou kakou.
... until we meet again.

*********

#52 - The Park Ranger's Story (3 of 4)

"On Sunday, July 19, 2009, at approximately 7:00 am, I saw a red Toyota MR2 parked in this spot. There was nothing unusual about it as people sometimes come up early in the morning to visit the Lighthouse. But when it was still here at about 12:00 pm, something just didn't feel right.  At that point we ran the plates and found that it belonged to Gary - of San Francisco. We called SFPD and dispatched officers to the house in San Francisco to see if he was there. It was an old address and the person there gave us his brother's name and phone number in Hawaii.  His brother Richard gave us the new address and the landlord's name and number and also said that 'if his car is there, then he went there to kill himself.' Immediately the car was cordoned off and the Marin Search and Rescue Team was called.  The car was absolutely clean so they called the landlord and asked him to bring some of Gary's belongings for the search dogs to sniff. A boat and helicopter were dispatched and they began searching from the sea and air.  Several search teams began scouring the grounds calling out his name.  When the landlord arrived with Gary's shoes and some clothes, the dogs studied the scent and quickly dashed off toward the Lighthouse."

At this point, the park ranger and I got into his vehicle and drove up the service route to the Lighthouse which was the same route the search dogs had traveled.  When we got to the end of the road, he parked the car and showed me some pictures from the case file. There were three 8 1/2" x 11" color photos.  The first photo was a picture of where Gary jumped over the fence to get to the old path leading to the old lighthouse.  The second picture was of the old path with some broken wooden boards.  This was where a team of search dogs followed Gary's scent until the terrain got so sketchy that they had to turn around. The third picture showed a path beyond where the dogs walked...a path just inches from the cliff ... the path where this park ranger and his supervisor crawled on their hands and knees to follow the scuff marks.  They crawled until they felt that their own lives were in danger. They could still see scuff marks on the path ahead and these marks went all the way to the edge of the cliff.

We got out of the car and started walking toward the Lighthouse staying on the path the scent dogs took.  We stopped at the Visitors Center - which was closed - and the park ranger said "This is the place he was last seen alive."

"It was about 2:15-2:30 in the afternoon on Friday, July 17, 2009. There were two interpretive park rangers on duty - park rangers who talk about the history and geography of the area - who were getting ready for a shift change.  In my investigation, we found that Gary was here on that Friday. When I showed Gary's picture to the park ranger who was on duty at the time, she immediately recognized him and described his clothing - tan shorts, a green shirt, a tan and green hat and flip flops. This was exactly what his brother Richard said that he was probably wearing on that day.  She said that Gary was looking at the picture of the Point Reyes Lighthouse - the same picture you were looking at up at headquarters - and was asking about the old path and the landing below.  She said that he was quiet and contemplative and that he kept to himself.  Some other people came into the Center so she went to talk to them. He was still in the shop when she left for lunch at around 2:30.  She was the last person to see him alive."

I then remembered that I had looked at the clock when I was sitting in the park ranger's truck.  It had said 3:00 pm - just about the same time of day that Gary was in the area on that Friday in July 2009 so I asked the park ranger about the weather conditions on that day. He said that "It was very similiar to the weather today - a foggy San Francisco summer - high 40's low 50's - foggy off the coast but clear and sunny on land."

The park ranger also added that he interviewed another park ranger who was staying up near the Lighthouse on that Friday night but had come down early Saturday morning to go into town for breakfast. She remembered seeing a red Toyota in the parking lot that morning but didn't think anything of it at the time.

"Are you ready? Are you ready to go down 300 stairs to the Lighthouse?" the park ranger asked me.

"Of course", I said. "I want to see and experience everything Gary experienced on that day and to go as far as I am allowed to go."

We proceeded to the Lighthouse and I saw the long set of stairs ahead of me.  Like the Visitors Center, the Lighthouse was closed but the park ranger unlocked the gate to the stairs and we started the descent.  I felt like a VIP. No one else was allowed access to those stairs that day.

I was in awe of the breathtakingly beautiful views of the coast, the ocean and the Lighthouse!   And I couldn't believe how high we were. I was afraid vertigo was going to kick in...but no matter...that would not have stopped me from this quest.

Down, down, down we went....quiet and contemplative....with me being careful not to trip over myself and tumble into Mr. Park Ranger who was just a few steps ahead.

Just before we got to the Lighthouse, he stopped at the last landing and said, "This is where Gary went over the fence to get to the old path.  This is where not one but two to three dogs wanted to jump over to follow his scent.  This is where an undocumented search team and their dogs went over and followed the scent until it got so sketchy and unsafe that they had to turn around.  This is where my supervisor and I climbed over and went down to follow the path and the scuff marks until it got too dangerous for us even when we were low to the ground and on our hands and knees."

I stepped onto the landing and looked over.  I looked out and examined the rocky terrain and imagined my friend climbing down to get to a secluded spot near the water.  Immediately my thoughts went to... "Hmmm....he did what we would always do in a situation like this.  We'd find an entry point along the coast and hike down to get as close as we could to get to the water. We'd get situated and sit there for hours....watch the waves ... contemplate life.  When it got cold, we would hike back up and then go home.  That was the kind of stuff we'd do. Huh."

We continued down to the Lighthouse.  I tried looking for the old path, the old landing and the cliff but the buildings and the hilly coastal terrain obstructed my view.  Mr. Park Ranger also informed me that I was not allowed to throw my lei and flowers over the edge as "it could land on the rocks on the way down and some tourist would see it and want to hike down to get it."  He said that he could not put anyone's life in jeopardy.

At that point, I knew that I was done with the visit.  I was expecting full closure but was not going to get it that day. I got a lot of details and information but it was clear that I was not going to be able to say goodbye to Gary there...not if I couldn't throw the flowers and the haku lei into the water.

The park ranger and I climbed back up....all 300+ stairs... and bid farewell to each other. I gave Mr. Park Ranger the beautifully scented gardenias - since I couldn't toss them over the cliff - and thanked him for his time, thoroughness, and understanding.

On the walk back to my car, I stopped and stood in the parking stall where they found my friend's car. I tried to get a feel of what he might have been going through back then. I did not pick up on any kind of sad or distressed energy. I turned and headed back to my car and pushed the button to open my car doors.  Zilch...no light...no click....dead...nothing...again.

"Gary, cut it out!  This is not funny! It's going to get dark. I need to get home!"
I pushed the button again and the locks popped up!

I got in my car and sat for awhile. I was unsettled.  There was still no closure for me.  But what could I do? I started to pull away from my parking spot when I looked to my left.  There on the hillside were two young tule elks grazing.  I quickly turned the car in that direction and parked in the exact spot where Gary's car was found.  I watched these two youngsters hang out with each other - separate....doing their own things...but together!  Was this a sign from Gary? I stayed there for awhile thinking about my friend, his sadness, and our many talks about growing up in Hawaii and "small kid time".

I popped in another C & K cd and headed back to the City.  I still had the special haku lei in my car.  Should I drive down to Stinson Beach?  Should I release it at Ocean Beach?  Both just didn't seem like the right choices at the time.

Something told me that there was still more to come....that my journey was not yet over.......and the little voice inside was right.

#51 - Preparing For the Lighthouse (2 of 4)

To start the process, I called my SFPD friend and got the name of the park ranger who had discovered Gary's abandoned car at the Point Reyes Lighthouse. The park ranger, who also happened to be the lead investigator on the case, and I made arrangements to meet on Tuesday, February 21, 2012.  He kindly agreed to walk me through the events of that July 2009 day, to share the findings of his investigation into Gary's disappearance, and to allow me to say goodbye to my friend. 

On Monday, February 20, 2012,  I realized that I needed to get a haku lei and some Hawaiian flowers so I called Isha - a Hawaiian florist in San Francisco. I told her what I was planning on doing and she knew exactly what I needed.

After I made the call, I went to take a nap.  When I awoke, I found a bag of Hawaiian cds on the kitchen counter. A friend had dropped them off while I was asleep. The cds were of the same contemporary Hawaiian genre that Gary and I loved!! Coincidence? I saw this as a sign that this journey was meant to happen this way.

When I went to pick up the flowers the next morning, Isha was still working on the lei....gracefully weaving in the orchids, the ti leaves, the baby's breath, the raffia, more orchids, more ti leaves, more baby's breath, more raffia..... This forced me to hang out for awhile....real Hawaiian style... "talking story".... just like in Hawaii.  It kind of caught me off guard at first because this was so out of my normal fast-paced San Francisco routine. But it felt natural and so comfortable.

When I got home, because I was already running late, I rushed out of the car ...but my chatty neighbor cornered me.  I tried scooting away but he kept talking.  Suddenly I heard a THUD! in the garage.  Something had fallen.  I didn't look to see what it was.  I just knew in my heart that Gary had caused something to happen because that's when my neighbor said, "You'd better go."  When I turned, I saw that a mop had fallen over.  But how?  It had been leaning securely against the wall.  There was no one physically there to push it over or the wind or a draft or anything to cause it to fall.  Coincidence? Rich attributes the fall to the vibration of the garage door opening.  (He is entitled to believe what he wants to believe.)

Embarking on the long drive to Point Reyes, I popped in one of the cds left on the counter. As the old familiar tunes began to play, I got ready for the deluge of tears .  Instead, a strong feeling came over me that said "No, we are not crying!  This is about cruising, blasting the C & K music...and hanging out just like how we used to hang out!"  So I turned up the music and pushed forward. Somehow I  knew that my dear friend was on the drive with me.

Upon entering the Golden Gate Park, I felt a need to do a little detour...like a special procession. I found myself driving to the old neighborhood where Gary and I used to live - the outer Richmond.  I stopped to get a coffee at the Zephyr Cafe, his first place of employment in San Francisco. Then I proceeded to do the scenic route out of the City....through Lincoln Park, the Legion of Honor, past that fantastic view of the Golden Gate Bridge above Land's End, past Baker Beach - where he and I once ventured to the nudists' section of the beach pretending to toss a frisbee which we were both so inept with handling - and on to 101 North.  It was a very scenic, nostalgic, and peaceful drive.

After an hour and a half of driving, I finally arrived at Point Reyes, parked in the lot of the Golden Gate Park Services headquarters, and walked in.  I was greeted by a very friendly volunteer who kindly called the park ranger I was expected to meet.  While waiting, I walked over to the gift shop.  My eyes caught sight of a spectacular picture - an ariel view of the Point Reyes Lighthouse.  When the park ranger arrived I brought him over to that picture and asked him to show me where everything happened so that I could physically put things in perspective.  He first pointed to the area where Gary jumped over to get down to the old path that led to a landing which was the site of the old light house. He then showed me the path the rescue dogs took and the path that he and his supervisor followed down to the edge of the cliff. With that perspective in mind, he showed me another map of the general area and told me that I was then going to follow him in my car for twenty miles out to the Lighthouse.

When I walked to my car, I pushed the button on my keys to unlock the doors.  Nothing happened....no click, no light...the locks did not move  I tried it again.  Still dead.  And then it hit me that Gary was probably being Gary.

"Gary, stop it!  Stop fooling around! This isn't funny.  The park ranger is waiting for me!!"
As soon as I said that, the locks popped up!

The twenty-mile drive out to the Lighthouse was long and winding...but it was through beautiful and serene countryside.  Lots of cows, barns, grass, fences, horses, pastures, more cows ... I kept thinking...why would Gary drive all the way out here to end his life?

We eventually arrived at the parking lot of the famous Point Reyes Lighthouse. 
The park ranger walked me over to the very first parking stall in the lot... paused ... and said ...
"This is where the story begins..."

#50 - My Friend Gary's Disappearance (1 of 4)

In October of 2011, I happened to be on Facebook when suddenly a chat request popped up! 

I go to great lengths to keep the chat feature OFF so how did this one get through???? It was from my friend Wendy in Hawaii with whom I hadn't spoken to in years.  Why now, though? I wondered.  She and I fb chatted for awhile and she asked if I was still in touch with my friend Gary.

Gary and I met in Hawaii. We were roommates for three months - right before I moved to San Francisco - when my roommate at the time needed to sublet her spot to spend a summer in Alaska.  We hit it off instantly!! We became best friends! Even my family members adopted him!!!! How could you not?  He was sooo much fun.......sooo kind and generous......soooo positive and happy.....very easy going.....nice looking ...soooooo animated and funny...and very loving and gentle. I missed him a lot when I moved but when a spot opened up in San Francisco, I called and asked if he wanted to move in.  He immediately said YES! We were roommates again and best buddies! We did everything together - partied like it was 1999; went clubbing and always danced on the stage at the IBeam; went to lots of Sunday tea dances; did vacations with my family; explored the City; walked through Muir Woods; explored the Marin Headlands and Stinson Beach; walked the beach at Ocean Beach often; skiied and played in the snow at Tahoe; rollerbladed in Golden Gate Park and crashed into each other and into other people... a lot........ and I was there in his life when he "came out".  He and I shared many personal secrets and crazy experiences.

After about three years of heavy partying, I had to move on....went to graduate school, got a "real" boyfriend, a new apartment, etc.... Gary and I kept in touch but we were really living separate lives then.  Our talks had become more and more infrequent.  In these past recent years, I had tried calling and emailing but never received a response from him.

I shared this with Wendy in the chat.  She instantly googled him only to find that he was listed as a missing person!!!  WHAT??!! A Missing Person?????  Missing???!!! No!!! What??!! I was in shock!

Immediately I started my own investigation and found a page with Gary's picture and the information taken from his drivers license.  At the bottom of the page it said "Last seen on July 17, 2009 in San Francisco.  Has not been seen or heard from since.  Few details on this case."  There was an SFPD missing case number. I called one of my pals on the force to get more info. 

When did I last see Gary?  Thinking back I guess-timated that it was early to mid 2007... twice in that year.  The first time was when I invited him to have lunch with me and my best friend from high school, Geri, who had also been roommates with Gary at some point. We met at a Hawaiian restaurant near the Castro.  As soon as he walked into the room, I knew that something was very different about him.  The sparkle in his eyes was gone; his personality was flat and he did not want a glass of wine or anything alcoholic. He was not as talkative and as animated as I had remembered him being.  Hmmmmm... I chalked the unusual behavior up to him not feeling comfortable to talk about private matters in a public setting. After all we hadn't seen each other in awhile. So I invited him to my apartment at a later date to talk privately. In that get together, he was still flat with very little sparkle.  He told me that he was really depressed and was feeling guilty about not having been there when his mother passed away.  His mother had been diagnosed with cancer in 2005.  As often as he could, Gary would fly back to Hawaii to be with her. On his last visit there, he was struggling with a dilemma.  He had a pre-planned-already-paid-for trip to France but didn't want to leave her.  His brother said to him "Mom is better.  You'll be gone for only two weeks. You should go." She died while he was in France... and he never forgave himself.  I could see the pain, the anguish and the sadness in his eyes that day in my apartment.  I didn't know how to help him then other than to just be his friend.

While I was waiting for the information from my SFPD contact, I tracked down his brother in Hawaii.  Richard was pleased to hear from me and was hoping that I'd call him one day.  He told me this story (in a nutshell).

"Gary was suffering from depression and alcoholism and was having a really hard time ... especially around Mom's death. He had been in and out of rehab.  He had lost his job at the hospital where he was once a highly esteemed member of the liver transplant team.  He had also been evicted from his apartment.  Unfortunate events all connected to his alcoholism.

He was very embarrassed about his recovery and about what had happened to him with his job and living situations.   He wanted no one to know.

On July 19, 2009, a park ranger found his abandoned car in the parking lot of the Point Reyes Lighthouse. They immediately did a search of the area.  Rescue dogs, a helicopter and a boat searched until they couldn't search anymore.  The dogs picked up his scent and followed it to a place where Gary had jumped a fence and had walked toward the edge of a cliff. His body was never found."

My SFPD contact also confirmed the story.  "It's not good, Rey" he said.

I was reeling!  I called my family!  I called my friends! How could this have happened?  This did not sound like Gary. He was always well put together and had things in place...all neat and tidy.  This was my blond GQ surfer dude friend we're talking about!  I couldn't fathom or process the shocking and sad news. I didn't even know about his alcoholism. I didn't know about the severe shift in his work and living situations. What happened?! Why didn't he call me??!! I just couldn't grasp the reality let alone my own guilt of abandoning him. Was my friend really gone?

********
And then the holidays happened for me and I had to shift gears quickly; followed by Rich's birthday (January) and then Priscille's birthday (February).  I didn't have time to breathe until Monday, February 20, 2012.

That's when I began my healing process........

#49 - Jin Ji Du Li

Stand on one leg while your eyes are closed. That is all. Just try it
right now. Stop reading and stand up. Close your eyes and try standing
on one foot.

If you are not able to stand for 10 seconds, it means that
your body has degenerated to the 60 to 70 years old level.
You may be only 40 years old but your body has aged a lot faster.

You do not need to lift your leg high. If your internal organs are out
of synch, even lifting your leg this bit will make you wobble.

There are 6 important meridians passing  through our legs.
When you stand on a single leg, the weak meridian
will feel sore while getting the necessary exercise; and as this
happens, the corresponding organs of these meridians and their
path-ways, start getting the necessary tuning. This method can focus
or concentrate the awareness, and channel the body's qi to the foot.

Daily practice of Jin Ji Du Li, can help in healing many illnesses or
diseases. Diseases appear in the body because the coordination between the
various internal organs encounter problems and that causes the body to
lose its balance. Jin Ji Du Li can readjust this inter-relationship of
the organs and how they function with each other.

The beneficial effects of practicing Jin Ji Du Li on various illnesses
associated with hypertension, diabetes, neck and spinal diseases are quick to be seen and felt.
Jin Ji Du Li can also prevent gout and is the basic cure for "cold  feet disease" .
It can also strengthen the body's immunity.

As you gain ability to stand for longer, the feeling of "head
heavy, light feet" disappears. As benefits of practicing Jin Ji Du Li,
you will notice that the quality of sleep improves, the mind
clears up and memory improves significantly. Most importantly if you
can practice Jin Ji Du Li with your eyes closed for 1 minute every
day, you will not get dementia (and your brain will remain healthy).

Jin Ji Du Li is suitable for everyone generally. You do not have to wait
until you have any illnesses to start practicing it.

I don't do yoga but I can  improve my Jin Ji Du Li.

#48 - Time Flies By When...

It has been several days since I last posted.
Life had me preoccupied...all good things.

Thursday was all about getting things done ... at my "regular" job; coming home at a decent hour - 6 pm - to prepare dinner;  cleaning/tidying the house while gathering and organizing stuff for our garage sale.

Friday was about finishing the week at my day job and then going to my weekend job at the club for a 180 person event - a crab feed - which was soooo frenetic.

Saturday was busy. It started with a garage sale at our house with Bonnie, Ana and my other friend Tia.  It was great for me because I was able to let go of some very sentimental items. Later that afternoon, we drove to San Jose with Erin, MJ and Ewan.  We toured the Winchester Mystery House and had dinner at Left Bank Brassiere - a very nice French restaurant in Santana Row - to celebrate Priscille's 15th birthday. Erin and Priscille explored Santana Row; Rich and Ewan found a bar with cool music and really good margaritas; and MJ and I got silly glasses to wear for the evening at Z Gallerie. It was great fun with very special friends!

Sunday was all about Priscille - it was her birthday! Erin spent the night so the girls hung out and opened gifts while Rich made us some homemade Belgian waffles.  Yummmm! Later Priscille got a mani-pedi and in the evening she and her friends went to dinner at Chevy's and then to Priscille and Erin's first "Glow"  -  an under 18 nightclub event. They got home at 11:30.  I think I did pretty well with letting go and placing trust in my daughter and the Universe.

Today is now about reassessing.  We have a holiday... an extra day to chill...no work....all relaxation.  I have actually scheduled a financial planning webinar for myself so I am looking forward to that.  But beyond that?  I get a day to relax....after I get Priscille and her friends - the ones who spent the night - situated with breakfast and all. And then it is a chill out dinner with Ana and Bonnie.

Tomorrow? I have taken an extra extra day off. Priscille has an orthodontic appointment in the middle of the day.  More importantly, though, I will be driving to Point Reyes in the early afternoon to meet with the lead investigator and the park ranger who found my former roommate and very dear friend Gary's car that he had abandoned before he committed suicide there back in July 2009. Note that I did not hear about this until a few months ago.  His brother, Richard, who lives in Hawaii, tried looking for me when it happened but was unsuccessful.  I eventually connected up with him in November 2011 when I found out.

Time flies when life ...and death...happen.

#47 - Guilty By Association

Do not stand by me.

I am professional.
I respect others.
I listen with a compassionate ear and an open heart.
I steer you into the positive light.
I am kind and generous.
The big picture includes everyone.
My world doesn't matter when I'm focused on you.
I encourage individual growth and team betterment.
I am happy.
I work with the bottom line and with the people.

Stand by me when you represent the goodness in all.

#46 - Love

“Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, nor boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not seek its own way, is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love believes, hopes and endures. Love never fails.”
- First Corinthians 13


This is how God responds to us... with patience, kindness, hope, humility and love. 
That is how we can respond to the people in our lives.


Happy Valentine's Day, friends!
I love, honor and respect you all! And I totally believe in you!

#45 - New Relationships

When you truly and honestly release your self-imposed as well as your own interpretation of societal's boundaries, a whole new world of relationships and experiences begin to materialize. 
In my mind, I had often made judgements and/or placed labels on others before getting to know them. 
Stereotypes overwhelmed my mind and heart and I was blinded to the beauty of others.

Today I chose to release my wall of insecurities and made new friends. 
I met one woman in particular with whom I would like to pursue a friendship. In our conversation, I learned that she possessed similar values, opinions and experiences as my own. I liked her energy. Another woman I introduced myself to was so genuine, warm and friendly.

Opening up my mind and heart was freeing and easy.

I am enjoying the journey.

"your life sucks because you do. only you can make it better."

- - Eugene I. yelper

#44 - How To Stop Negative Thoughts

Just wanted to share something from The Secret...

'"How do I stop my negative thoughts?" - is a question that I have been asked many times. If you have ever asked this question then you will feel such enormous relief in knowing the answer, because it is so simple. How do you stop negative thoughts? You plant good thoughts!

When you try to stop negative thoughts, you are focusing on what you don't want - negative thoughts - and you will attract an abundance of them. They can never disappear if you are focused on them. The "stop" part is irrelevant - the negative thoughts are your focus. It doesn't matter if you are trying to stop negative thoughts or control them or push them away, the result is the same. Your focus is on negative thoughts, and by the law of attraction you are inviting more of them to you.

The truth is always simple and it is always easy. To stop negative thoughts, just plant good thoughts! Deliberately plant good thoughts! You plant good thoughts by making it a daily practice to appreciate all the things in your day. Appreciate your health, your car, your home, your family, your job, your friends, your surroundings, your meals, your pets, and the magnificent beauty of the day. Compliment, praise, and give thanks to all things. Every time you say "Thank you" it is a good thought! As you plant more and more good thoughts, the negative thoughts will be wiped out. Why? Because your focus is on good thoughts, and what you focus on you attract.

So don't give any attention to negative thoughts. Don't worry about them. If any come, make light of them, shrug them off, and let them be your reminder to deliberately think more good thoughts now.

The more good thoughts you can plant in a day, the faster your life will be utterly transformed into all good. If you spend only one day speaking of good things and saying "Thank you" at every single opportunity, you will not believe your tomorrow. Deliberately thinking good thoughts is exactly like planting seeds. As you think good thoughts you are planting good seeds inside you, and the Universe will transform those seeds into a garden of paradise. How will the garden of paradise appear? As your life!"'

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret and The Power 

#43 - The Secret Book Club

My coworkers and I are starting The Secret book club. 

It's exciting to be with others who want to fully understand and to genuinely live the law of attraction. It's exciting to find others who understand the simplicity and the complexities of this concept.

Our first meeting is tomorrow. Can't wait! 


p.s. I visited a friend this evening.  She said I looked happy. I am. I really am happy. :-)

Releasing attachments

In my yoga class a teacher explained we got our hydration from the water we drank 40 min before the session. . .not what we were drinking in class.

Today I forgot my water, but I did listen to my teacher and had prepared for class.  I even drank the modern equivalent of castor oil . . .coconut water.

I had a great session!  I'm really buying into the idea of not becoming attached to things that don't really matter.

Like the need for water in a freakin' 117 degree room, we make false assumptions every day.   Even when we know we are right, we bow to pressure.  The hardest part of class was setting up with the people on both sides of me "outwardly" noticing that I didn't have water.  I didn't bother to explain then and I've decided in the future I don't need to explain so many decisions I make that social custom doesn't get.

#42 - Money

I really don't know what to say about money because this is such a personal issue. 

The chapter on money in The Secret is so interesting!
My money mantra is taped to my computer at work."Money comes to me easily, effortlessly and frequently."

I did get money in the mail today. That was unexpected...but not really.  I  did put it out into the Universe.

More later.

#41 - Don't Fit In..and Jump Off Cliffs!

"Don't Fit In!"

That's what Christine D. wrote on the grafitti ceiling of the Road Trip Nation RV. She was one of the people the Road Trip Nation (a PBS/KQED show) team interviewed on their journey across America.  Their mission was to use the time and experience to individually discover their true meaning and purpose in life.

Christine D. is an attorney in New Orleans.  Born in Jamaica and raised in Canada, her close-knit family tried to stop her from going to a college located outside of Canada - Cornell University - by doing an intervention. She looked at them and said "I love you all and I understand what you are trying to do but none of you are living the life that I want to live." Her journey was based on fulfilling her passions by listening to the little voice inside .... the voice that constantly kept her in check with the question "Am I being fulfilled right now?" Don't fit in! Jump off cliffs! She believes that you have to keep jumping off cliffs to experience, to learn about and to try new things.  The scary part is the idea of the cliff; but "when you jump off," she says, "the ground comes up to meet you and the fall is not as bad as you thought it would be."   And even if what you pursue is a mistake after two, three, or whatever amount of years and time, you will still have gained knowledge and experience to add to your resume...to your bank of life. Then you go and jump off another cliff.

Are YOU being fulfilled right now? Are there "cliffs" nearby?

#40 - Passion

What excites you? What do you love to do so much that you just can't stop talking about it?

I know that I like seeing happy people doing happy and fun things. I think that's one of the reasons I keep my weekend job at the club.  I work at happy events and am surrounded by happy people there....both on my team as well as the party guests!

On the other professional front, I saw a job description that called to me on some level.  A company was looking for someone who was highly motivated, confident, had exceptional people skills, organized, a leader, and someone who genuinely cared about helping people. It also had some of the elements of my ideal work environment - positive, fast paced, team and customer service oriented. I would add "creative" and "fun" to the description, of course. No, I'm not looking for a new job but I like to look at what other work environments and job specs exist outside of my world. I also like to see what other companies are doing to ensure positive work environments for their employees. Being that I am in human resources, it is helpful to understand what the competition has to offer as well as to get ideas on improving the status quo.

On the personal front, I got excited when I saw a commercial for the upcoming 2012 Summer Olympics.  It flashed on a picture of The Great Wall of China (an attraction at the 2008 Summer Olympics). I turned to Rich and said that I was putting that on my list of places to visit. He asked, "Is that before or after Machu Picchu?" Love it! I am also looking forward to our family's upcoming European trip this summer. We'll be there right before the Olympics take place. My next door neighbors spent a month traveling around Europe in a VW van for their honeymoon (many many years ago).  How cute is that?! Talk about passion (on so many levels! ha ha!) And they recently brought over a whole bunch of albums and books for us to use in our planning and research for this family vacation. 

Honestly, though, I need to further define and explore my true passions. What excites me? What do I love to do so much that I just can't stop talking about it? If I had all the time and money in the world, (and that is possible, you know!), what would I do?  Hmmm...... and how would I go about fulfilling my passions?

I need some ideas.  What are your passions? If you had all the time and money in the world, (and that is possible, you know!), what would you do?  How would you go about fulfilling your passions?

#39 - We Will Transcend - Shannon's Contribution To Our Blog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNY8KL_YSlc&feature=fvsr
This is a video by Kelly Corrigan, one of Shannon's favorite authors.

She is sharing this video as she "finds it to be a touchstone and important reminder that we all have our obstacles but we are all in this together."

"I know a little something about staying strong in the face of negativity/adversity," she says. "It can be tough but our nature is to transcend. That is if we don't let our fears get in the way."

"Stay your strong positive self!", she adds.
You too, Shannon! You too!

Thank you, Girl Friend! You're so beautiful, kind, and very insightful!
Thank you for your email.
Hope to hear more from you soon.

xoxo

#38 - Stand In Your Truth

A coworker said that I was "too nice" and that she didn't want anyone to "take advantage of my niceness."  To that I said, "Why not? I want to be kind and I want to do the right thing." I told her that if someone stabs me in the back, then the right thing to do is to forgive them but to not forget what was done. (That would be stupid on my part.)
I totally believe that what goes around comes around and that niceness begets niceness.  If I can touch one person and help them to to be kinder to another person, then I am doing the right thing.  When my niceness is criticized or when someone wants to squash my positive energy,  I carry on.  I stand in my truth.

Life is too short to carry negative energy.  There is so much to be thankful for.There are so many interesting people ... and more people for us to meet. People want to feel acknowledged and appreciated. The world is a much better place when people are uplifted and encouraged.

My truth is that I will treat others with kindness, honor and respect regardless of how they treat me. It is easy to be nice and sometimes a little more challenging with some people, but in the end, I will know that I remained true to my core.

Release Your Attachments

My friend and I went to Bikram Yoga yesterday and today after a loooooong break.  Our goal was to make it through the class which can get very hot.

My friend survived by frequently pouring water on her head, until the teacher called her on it.  Not, because she should not have taken breaks, but because the water had become an attachment that took her focus from being in the moment with her yoga practice.

She called all of us to release our attachments that prevented us from being in the moment.  

I gave up the attachment of comparison.  I was comparing my performance to everyone else in the room. . .with every pose putting myself in a rank against all others in the room, rather than concentrating on the pose.   I no longer cared that I don't have the greatest body, but in my pose focused on muscles I have managed to maintain.  With time, the picture will get even  better.

After class my friend and I talked about that moment.  She said at first she was embarrassed, but then quickly realize the teacher was correct, and it was freeing.

I'm up for a big promotion and I've been stressing out over how I'm going to manage some situations.  However, I  know I won't be able to fix them in yoga class so I need to release that attachment to "doing well," being the "fixer."  Consciously dropping that attachment allowed me to refuel my brain.

What attachment do you have to release to simply BE in the moment?

#37 - Scary, Real and Esoteric

I went to an event last night with the friendly natives. It was a small and intimate group setting. Very nice and fun loving people.

The scary part?  I got bored and had never felt the sensation as strongly as I did last night! It was scary  because the perspective was real and so suddenly in my face.  I just didn't want to work as hard as I used to ... to try to fit in.

It's scary that I can't fully grasp the change that's happening in me. There are so many unknown factors. Cognitively, I can attach many possible and accurate speculations and hypotheses to the shift.  Viscerally, it just feels so deep, complex, and life altering. 

I am paying close attention to this.
I know that I am creating a different and esoteric reality.
"The Universe is rearranging itself accordingly." - The Secret

...like when I graduated from the eighth grade and made a conscious decision not to hang out with my grammar school friends and to make new friends in high school....like when I decided that I was done with  my life in Hawaii and moved to San Francisco with 8 boxes and $200 in my pocket...like when I removed myself from my marital situation to reassess and revisit the reasons why God put us together.

It's all good!

"Life is good."
"Life is easy."
"All good things come to me."

What shifts in your mind and in your situations have created scary yet real and exciting life experiences for you? How did you get to San Francisco?

Think Older

Research shows (http://www.fyiliving.com/mental-health/anxiety/mid-life-crisis-and-the-letter-u/) that happiness is highest when we're youngest and and oldest - and dips to the lowest between 45 and 50.
Statistically we peak happiness at 70 or so.
We should start thinking like we're 70.
Are we at the bottom of the "U"?

#36 - The Power of THE SECRET - A Makeover!

"Life is good."
"Life is easy."
"All good things come to me."

Since I started reading The Secret, I have made very conscious efforts to constantly speak my vision to the Universe - to attract what I want into my life.

"I treat others with kindness, honor, and respect. I quickly choose forgiveness."

In the past 5+ years, I have had to deal with difficult and negative situations at work. These were situations in which I'd feel so anxiety-ridden going in and so defeated coming out. In the past couple of weeks, however, since applying the principles of The Secret to my life, I have felt joyful and empowered! I have come out of these negative work situations feeling amazed at how easily and effortlessly I was able to slay the dragons and demons! This has been such an unbelievable transformation for me and it is only just the beginning.

Another example of how The Secret is working in my life is in my recent encounter with a professional image consultant.  She is now giving me a wardrobe makeover. This beautiful and stunning woman, a friend of  a friend,  works as a temp at my place of employment. She and her sisters have a successful image consulting business in Ohio. She normally charges $100/hour but said that she wanted to do it for me for free.  Really?  How generous is that?! This woman is absolutely beautiful! She dresses so smartly and wears her style and elegance well! So... today I took my lifestyle and personality assessment.  Tomorrow she wants to work on "dressing my silhouette" and incorporating a color palette. Everything I've been wearing to work this week has been wrong! ha! ha! I love it!

I am so in awe with this new found path!
I am amazed at the beautiful and generous people who have recently entered my life.
Now I easily embrace and express my gratitude to the negative energy around me. Without that, I could not have rediscovered my joyful and positive self.

"Life is good."
"Life is easy."
"All good things come to me."

#35 - Bonnie's Blog

http://www.bzmacaraig.blogspot.com

This is great, Bonnie!

Will you be writing about your life in San Bruno?

My blog

bzmacaraig.blogspot.com

#34 - Money, Relationships, Health

http://thesecret.tv/teachings-summary.html

#33 - "There They Go Again...Talking About The Same Old Stuff."

Gary and I went to a crab feed the other night. It was great catching up with friends at this fund raiser.

I was at the bar when Gary came up and said "There they go again...talking about the same old stuff."

I got it. I knew exactly what he meant!

Unfortunately I was unable to rescue him immediately from his group of comrades.  I was keeping the lonely bartender company...and talking to the other natives while they waited for their drinks.

I did, however, manage to help him soften the bite to his cocktail.  Lots of 7-up ... and a bigger cup... works wonders!

How was the rest of your evening, Gary?  You looked restless at your table.

And I didn't see you "parking on the dance floor."

And I was also expecting to see you in West Portal later. You missed out on Giovanna's and my (mostly Giovanna's) "karaoke"  - singing along with the juke box - to Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam's "Head To Toe" and B McGov's and my (mostly McGov's, of course) "Desperado."  We were desperately looking for "YMCA" to irritate The Bart.  No luck! Good times! Good times!

I was the only Transplant there at the bar though....sigh.....

#32 - Moral of the Porcupine

I saw this story somewhere and wanted to share it with you.

"It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!"

OR....travel outside of the forest and start new and meaningful relationships with different animals. Find a cave, build a fire, share some beers and huddle together to stay warm!

#31 - Gary's Got a Blog!

Excellent!

Kudos to Gary for exploring, honoring and cultivating his literary gift.

http://schmittforbrains.blogspot.com/

Who's next?
We all have so much to share!

Love it!

#30 - Take Your Life Back!

Take Your Life Back

“...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”

(2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV)

Everyone has days when they feel like life is out of control. Oftentimes, this happens when we allow our circumstances to dictate our thoughts and attitudes. You might say, “Well, Joel, the economy is wreaking havoc on my business,” or “This relationship is just too far gone.” But I say, today is the day to take your life back! You take your life back by choosing to take your thoughts back. Even though we live in this natural realm, as believers, we are not limited by this natural realm. We can tap into God’s power by making every thought line up with the Word of God. We don’t have to let circumstances control us. Instead, meditate on His Word and let His truth set you free! Today, as you take captive every thought and boldly declare His promises over your life, you are setting yourself up for victory. You are positioning yourself to partake of His blessing. You are taking your life back and positioning yourself to embrace the abundant life He has prepared for you!

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, thank You for empowering me to live in victory today. I choose to take my life back by taking captive every thought and submitting it to You. Help me live a life that is pleasing to You, Jesus, today and every day in Jesus’ name, Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen